The NFL for President

Get pumped, the time is upon us, the two-year election cycle is here.

This is about the time where all good deeds will be used to gain leverage, said leverage will be used for evil and a campaign will inevitably cut its own brake line and be found in a fireball along the highway.

This particular one is interesting, because there is no president to elect; however, that seat will be open with no incumbent next cycle. That allows us to listen to a gaggle of gasbags pretend they haven’t decided to run while doing their best Thomas Carcetti impersonation.

Allow me to throw a hat into the ring.

Success leaks out of this candidates pores. Everything it touches turns into piles of money and it tends to crush opposition like a perfectly-timed crack back block.

That’s right I nominate the National Football League to run for president in 2016.

It is the hottest anything on the planet. The conference championships provided golden matchups. There was the first Brady vs. Manning brawl for it all in seven years and a budding rivalry that somehow has terms such as ferocious and relentless appear alongside words like San Francisco and Seattle.

Those 17 and 22 percent ratings increases along with Sunday Night Football being the highest rated fall primetime show for the fourth consecutive year easily provided enough momentum to jumpstart a campaign.

Then, Richard Sherman just had to call Michael Crabtree a rudy poo.

The slew of Beats by Dre commercials, Nike ads and Today Show segments that followed resulted in two of the three most famous people in America playing in the Super Bowl (Sherman and Peyton Manning could easily dethrone Justin Bieber. Simply film a commercial sharing a pizza with “irritated” eyes holding Colorado and Washington tourism brochures).

One of the stories about the 2012 presidential campaign was the fundraising. People thought President Obama and Governor Romney raising $1 billion each was impressive. HA! The NFL generated $9.5 billion in 2012 and the new television deal begins next season. Those collective contracts will begin at $6 billion and increase throughout the duration of the deal. There isn’t a $5,000 per plate fundraiser or misappropriated fund that would move any other candidate in that direction.

A recent financial windfall for the NFL was selling a package of Thursday night games to CBS. The beauty here is we get to see some muscle flexed as the eight games shown there will still be simulcasted on NFL Network, and the other eight will be shown exclusively on NFL Network. I’d like to see Vladimir Putin deal with that.

Now for what separates the all-stars from the hall of famers, controversy. If handled properly it can take a campaign to the land of milk and honey. If botched, scroll up and refer to the fireball section.

The National Football League attacks controversy like plyometric workout. It may need help off of the aerobics floor initially, but next month its vertical jump will have increased by three inches.

A large portion of 2013 was devoted to questioning if human beings should continue to play football. PBS and the Fainaru brothers even informed us the NFL covered up information about the danger of participating in it. Trauma in the brain caused by the sports has been linked to disease, violence and suicide.

It seemed to avoid that situation with minimal damage until the judge recently questioned whether the settlement will be enough to take care of the injured players. This ruling happened since the year turned to 2014. And a reality show has premiered about the NFL’s early training grounds (youth football). The only word to describe the trailer is alarming. Also, regarding the children, the league has some questionable involvement with the Heads Up program.

Yet one of the more anticlimactic Super Bowls in recent memory was the highest rated show in the history of America. Throughout the endless coverage before and after these issues weren’t mentioned very much. Sure it was covered for a significant period of time this season, but with all eyes on football no one asked the reasonable question, “Why is this being celebrated?”


When people vote for a leader they can fool themselves into believing they’re voting for policy, morals or a change in philosophy. That is impossible to know in advance. The only things the masses know about these people are education, voting records and whatever story some good journalist may be able to investigate. Tell me the last president that delivered on every platform he presented in his campaign?

People vote for an image. A person who looks and sounds like someone the public feels comfortable placing in a leadership position. Let’s be honest Chris Christie, Hillary Clinton or anyone decides to run will leave something to be desired. As a country we decided to take orders from the NFL long ago (your cable bill is exhibit A).

So forget protect the shield, come protect this nation. I want to see an NFL appointed diplomat flanked by Justin Smith and Ndamukong Suh stroll boldly into the UN meetings and say “Got a problem, sanction me.”